She will be free...

It has been 301 days since I started my journey towards healing. 

During April of 2019, was when my life hit an all time low and I found myself in the hospital with self inflicted wounds. If you would like to read more about that time, you can find that here.

This April is unlike any April I have ever faced. Right now our world is in distress with the Coronavirus and everything is shut down, the kids have been out of school since early March, stores are closed, church is no longer meeting together, people are afraid and running around with masks on and gloves and we are enforced to stay 6 feet away from people. 

It has been a stressful and weird time. For someone who is naturally more introverted, I must admit I have missed people dearly and have craved community. Right before the world shut down, I was noticing that I was starting to become more extroverted which caught my husband and I off guard. I was wanting to have people over for dinner and be around people all time. Who is this new person!?

I have been trying to stay busy to keep my sanity. My healing process has been going great! I completed my 100 day challenge back in October and since then I have been doing nothing but thriving. I have been healing my mind, body and spirit. I have lost over 80lbs and have an entirely new life. I have been in a close relationship with the Lord and have been reading non stop. I have even stepped out in faith and am going back to school. Lots of positive changes!

However, like any trauma, I still have things that trigger me once in awhile. But my triggers are far and few in between. As my birthday approached (April 6), I unknowingly tried to ignore and distract myself from this 1 year "self harm" anniversary. I didn't want to remember it. I didn't want to remember that my birthday was spent numb in bed last year. I didn't want to feel the pain again, so I tried to stay busy. I didn't do this intentionally, it almost felt like survival instincts. 

Staying busy worked for a little while and I had a great birthday, even under quarantine! But then Easter arrived. I posted a picture of our Easter table with our 4 place settings and my heart grieved that we couldn't have our table filled with friends because of our recent mandates. Posting the picture side by side to last years picture is when I couldn't run from it anymore. I could no longer distract myself. Out of nowhere I had a full blown panic attack. All the emotions I felt a year ago came back as if they were all still present problems. I felt like I hated my life, I felt like I hated Alaska again, I felt trapped and tricked, I felt like I wasn't happy with my marriage, etc. Everything spewed out of nowhere. I completely detached myself from reality.

My biggest mistake was not going to Rodney during my panic attack and instead I involved two other people into my distorted reality. I caused great worry, concern and pain for two people I love because they thought I was actually back in a bad place and they didn't understand how my trigger was affecting my current reality. I feel incredibly embarrassed and irresponsible that my mental struggle affected them in that way.

I am thankful for a husband that loves me and knows how to care for me through this though. I am actually quite proud of how quickly Rodney was able to talk me through this trigger and bring my mind and emotions back to reality. My physical body hasn't even healed from the trauma of last year, so how arrogant it is to think my mind and emotions has.

​If you struggle with your emotional health, please find someone to talk to. I used to be so ashamed to talk about my emotional health. The more I openly face it, the more I understand how my mind works. It becomes easier and easier to manage my thought process and how I interpret reality.

We are all going through a weird season of life right now, we need to be there to support each other. I also want to note that just because someone has a trigger doesn't mean they are "unwell" again. My trigger was short lived and I am now back to my healthy self, enjoying life again.

Song: "Greater than all my regrets"
"When the past it comes to haunt me,
it tells me what I've done,
it reminds me what's gone wrong.
When my sins are laid before me, 
My Lord you take them on.
So if I fall and if I fail,
I will trust Your mercy is greater than all of this.
And if I bend and if I break,
I'll trust the hands that hold me are
greater than all my regrets.
You are greater than all my regrets."
​-Tenth Avenue North